[I am updating these posts to make them shorter and better. Click here for the updated version of piece 2.]
Proverbs 12:22: “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful.”
Matthew
5:8: “Blessed are the
pure in heart, for they will see God.”
Pure. Being free from impurities. Impurities are those things that pollute what
is true and genuine and good. And what
pollutes a true, genuine, good relationship with the Lord (and pollutes even
our own lives) are falsehood and lies. Hiding
from truth and hiding the truth.
Deliberately living a lie or unconsciously agreeing with one. These keep us from being able to really
experience, see, and know God. But if we
will live authentic, transparent lives before God, we will know Him (and
ourselves) in a way we never could before.
This isn’t
so much of a step to go through, but something that we need to commit to for
this whole journey. Well, our whole
lives, really. Honesty is half the
battle, because living a life of lies prevents any growth and keeps our hearts
closed to God. And I’m not even necessarily
talking here about deliberate lies. We
know when we are deliberately lying to others, ourselves, and God. And we won’t fess up to those until we want
to.
But what I
am mostly concerned with here are the lies that we don’t even realize we are living
or agreeing with. They could be lies we
believe about ourselves or God, or truths that we refuse to see. And we don’t usually know that they are
there. We just have a vague (or strong,
vivid) sense that something is “off” in our lives or our relationship with
God. (Or we are simply refusing to see
that things are “off,” which is probably the case a lot more than we know.)
Unfortunately, we can continue on like
this for quite some time, believing that things are okay. But it takes a desire to want to live in
Truth in order to right things. It takes
a readiness to say, “Okay, God, show me the true condition of my heart.”
And this is
scarier to do than it seems.
Because once
we see it, we can’t ignore it any longer.
We have to deal with it. And we
may have to deal with the consequences that it has produced over the
years. And that can be
heart-breaking. But genuine healing is
impossible apart from . . . well . . . genuineness. Honesty.
Transparency. Truth!
And since
God can see all truth and He knows us better than we know ourselves, this has
to be done with complete reliance on Him.
We have to be committed to seeking His help, to listening to what He
says, to facing whatever He reveals, and to obeying whatever He asks us to
do. And so this “step” involves asking
God for His help in learning to be honest with ourselves and transparent with
Him. It takes conscientiousness,
introspection . . . and lots of prayer.
Before we
get down to doing that, it may help to explore some of the ways that we hide
from truth. All of us have our own ways
of doing this, whether it’s denial, running from it, smiling through it,
etc. I think that it’s important to know
our “mode of truth-avoidance” so that we can be aware of when we are doing it. Below are some ways that we refuse to see or
face the truth. Read through them and
see if any feel familiar to you.
1.
When your conscience (i.e. the Holy Spirit) convicts you about something
or sends up a little flag, you tend to stuff it, excuse it, rationalize it, or
ignore it. Oftentimes, these little
flags are just tiny feelings in your gut or mind. It’s something about yourself that makes you
wince ever so slightly, such as the “Oooh, I shouldn’t have done that” or
“Ouch, that hits a nerve” feeling. It’s
knowing that you should think more about it, contemplating your role or
responsibility or shortcoming, or that you should deal with a part of yourself
that you are refusing to acknowledge. Or
sometimes it’s a thought or feeling or fear that just won’t go away. But yet, you somehow gloss over it and
eventually forget about it.
Or you build
your life around it.
Don’t ignore
these flags from the Holy Spirit. You
may not understand why your spirit has become unsettled, but don’t ignore
it. Don’t excuse it with “That’s just
the way I am” or “My past made me this way.”
If something pops up in your heart or mind (it could be a brief flash or
a deep, gnawing feeling), ask God what it means. Spend some time in prayer, following the train-of-thought
as the Holy Spirit opens your eyes to truth.
Far too often we ignore these
nudges or flags in our conscience and refuse to dig deeper. Resist that urge. Because the more you do, the more numb you
get to the Holy Spirit.
2.
You fill your day with busyness from beginning to end. You refuse to slow down enough to spend time
in quiet or time alone. (Being alone
regularly with a bottle of alcohol doesn’t count as quality “alone time.” In fact, that may mean that you desperately
need help. Seek out your pastor or a
Christian counselor if this is the case.)
And this may
be because you are hiding something from yourself, or running from your past,
your sins, your character flaws, your fears, God, etc. And when you live this way, you can’t hear
God’s whisper because you don’t slow down enough to spend quality time with Him
or to listen.
A lot of us
spend our lives running from our conscience and from God’s Truth. We are afraid to stop and see things as they
are, to see how far away we have gotten from where we want to be and where God
wants us to be. But He pursues, and we
feel convicted. And so we have to keep
busy, keep running, and cram in as many distractions as we can . . . or else we
might hear Him.
If you find
your life flying past you . . . if you notice that you spend little time being
alone and still with the Lord, in the Bible, in prayer, or just in silent
reflection . . . or if you tend to avoid deep, genuine conversations with
others . . . it may mean that you are running from something. Ask God for wisdom and insight. And take the time to stop and listen.
3.
You get angry or defensive when others allude to character flaws or
particular events in your life. You
defend yourself against them, rationalize them, or turn the focus back on the
other person. Anything to not have to
seriously look at your own shortcomings.
Or maybe you lash out over seemingly small things, yet you don’t know why.
When we know
that we have problem areas, the last thing we want is someone else to notice
them and point them out. Or maybe the
problem areas that we see and despise in other people are the very things that
we are guilty of. And we need to spend
some time contemplating if we do the very things that drive us nuts when others
do them.
If you
notice that you get angry or defensive easily (or if others point that out to
you), confess it. And then ask God’s
help to overcome it and to see where it may be coming from. Also, try to notice the things that you
consistently complain about or dislike in others, the things you accuse them of
doing to you. This may be a reflection
of your shortcomings or sins.
4.
You get angry at yourself for this or that. And then you try to make yourself feel
better, instead of looking deeply into what bothers you about yourself. Now, there are times that we are right to be
angry at ourselves, such as when we mistreat someone or continue in a certain
sin. (But we cannot gloss over it or
beat ourselves up for it. We need to
seek forgiveness and try to right any wrongs.
But then we need to accept forgiveness and move on, instead of getting
hung up on it.)
But then
there are times that we get too critical of ourselves or unjustly/harshly angry
with ourselves. And these may stem from
fears, shortcomings, sins, or lies we believe.
And we should spend time evaluating these things or else we will always
live in bondage to them, never able to become the kind of person that God wants
us to be. Maybe you consistently get
angry at yourself when you think you’ve said something stupid. Maybe it’s because you can’t seem to keep
your house clean. Maybe you make simple
mistakes at work.
The problem
comes when we get angry at ourselves for these “human” kinds of mistakes, but
then we lash out at others or beat ourselves up or try to simply stuff the
uncomfortable feelings, when we should be exploring what these things say about
how we view ourselves and God.
If you find
yourself consistently defensive or angry at yourself, spend some time in
prayer, asking God to reveal truth to you and to give you the strength and
wisdom to deal with it. By facing and
dealing with these kinds of things, we become free to let God’s love and
forgiveness heal us and to live the kind of abundant life He wants us to
have.
5.
You deny or ignore your problems and put on a sunshiney or strong
face. Now, being optimistic is a good
thing, but not when it’s used as a means to hide truth from yourself and
others. And God. Many people smile despite the pain. They don’t allow others to feel sympathy for
them, and they don’t allow themselves to wallow in any sort of “self-pity.” While I don’t condone self-pity (although I
do it practice it a lot), I do say that if this is your mode, you may need to
sit before the Lord and discover why you do this and what you are hiding . . .
or hiding from.
I used to do
something like this when it came to my relationship with God. I would act like I could handle whatever came
my way. And that I could do it in a
godly way. Even if I was terrified and
upset inside, I would be like, “That’s okay, God. I can handle it. I trust You.”
I felt that that’s the way a good, mature Christian was supposed to
be. We were supposed to take what God
dished out with a smile, bravely shouldering our cross. Right?
Yes, it’s
important to trust and to shoulder our cross, but genuine trust in God and
genuine acceptance of our crosses can’t come until after we have been honest
with all the real feelings inside of us.
If we try to hide those - even in the name of being a “good Christian”
(trying to . . . what? . . . spare God’s feelings? Impress Him?) - then we are being less than
honest with God.
And this
dishonesty closes off a part of our hearts and lives to Him. And we are cheating ourselves out of letting
His comfort and love fill us and heal us.
We need to be committed to genuine living before God, even with
(especially with) the ugly stuff.
6.
You’ve settled into depressed or have no peace and joy. Maybe things were going good, but then they
took a turn for the worse. Maybe you
don’t know what happened, but things just don’t feel right.
It may be
that you are lazy in your spiritual disciplines, that you are not abiding in
Him and His Word daily. Or it may be
that you have quenched the Holy Spirit somewhere along the way. You have hindered His work in your life, and
so you have been handed over to the consequences of your own decision.
Maybe you
refused to obey Him in something. Maybe
you have flat-out gone your own way in some decision. Maybe you’ve agreed with a lie somewhere
along the way, such as “I’m so stupid” or “No one could love me, not even God,”
and now you are living the lie that you have adopted. Pray and ask God to search your heart and to
reveal whatever may be blocking His peace and joy from entering. (And ask for forgiveness whenever
needed.)
7.
You feel that God is far away and life is hopeless. Well, it may be that you are in the Graduate
School of Faith, and you are being called to go higher and deeper in your walk
with Him. Or it may be that God has
“withdrawn” His presence because you have been refusing Him or His Truth or
refusing to obey in something. Ask God
about this and write down what He reveals.
And ask what He wants you to do about it.
8.
You don’t want to read your Bible or pray, and you don’t know why. Maybe it’s because you don’t want to know
what He will tell you. Maybe you don’t
see the importance of it. Maybe you want
to believe that the way you are currently living is good enough for God,
because you like the way things are and don’t want to change. Well, is it good enough for God? Really?
9.
You do a lot for God, instead of spending time with God. Why?
Or you buy a
lot of things, always running to something bigger or better because it numbs
you to the pain and the lifelessness inside.
What are you running from?
10.
Maybe you fill in the blank.
These (along
with others) could all be indications that you are not facing something that
the Holy Spirit wants you to face, that you are living with distance from God
or in lies. And you need to take time
with the Bible and the Holy Spirit to talk through these until you see the
truth.
Do not gloss
over these kinds of things. Honesty with
ourselves and God is absolutely necessary for humility. We cannot be living in self-deception and
draw genuinely near to the Lord at the same time - because we are not being
genuine. This piece may be a hard one to
face because it means examining our hearts and letting the Spirit examine us to
bring up things that we didn’t want to see in the first place.
We need to
be committed to honesty with ourselves and living transparently before God if
we are going to grow at all. To live
transparently means to realize that we can’t hide anything from Him anyway, no
matter how hard we try or how much we polish ourselves up on the outside or
“live righteously.” So we may as well
admit to Him in prayer all of the thoughts, feelings, fears, and sins that we
don’t like to admit.
But God can
handle it. He knows it all anyway. He’s just been waiting for us to be
honest.
Tell Him
what hurts. Tell Him how you really feel
about yourself and about Him and about your life. Tell Him what you are really thinking and
feeling. That is, after all, the heart
of prayer.
And just
know that He will accept you and love you no matter what. He already does, as you are right now. And as soon as you become honest and begin to
talk freely with Him, your heart will become softer and more open to Him and to
His healing love. And you will be
relieved of the burden of feeling like you have to keep up that exhausting
false front, being that “good Christian” that you thought you were supposed to
be. The one who looks like they have it
all together and never struggles with anything.
Okay, now,
once we figure out our “modes,” it may be a good idea to understand what has
caused us to be the way we are. And this
means digging into our pasts and our families-of-origin. Now, this may be too hard for some people to
do, if you have a really painful, messy past.
And if this is the case, I would recommend finding a good Christian
counselor or pastor or a strong, mature Christian friend. Because these kinds of painful thoughts and
feelings won’t just go away if they are ignored. They will persist as long as you let them,
and they will continue to interfere with your relationships with others,
yourself, and the Lord.
If you have
a prayer partner or a spouse or close friend, it may be helpful to spend some
time discussing with them your past and how it formed you. The Questions for Reflection are to help you
explore this. Take your time in
answering them. Let your mind wander
over these and into your past for days or weeks, and pray for the Holy Spirit’s
help to see His Truth. It is only by
facing and knowing the truth - the truth of who we are inside and the Truth of
God’s Word - that we can use it to destroy the lies we live.
Challenge/Prayer:
Pray and let
God know of your desire to see truth, to see what is really in your heart. These Bible verses are excellent prayers for
this:
Psalm
25:4-5: “Show me your
ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you
are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.”
Psalm
26:2-3: “Test me, O Lord,
and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for your love is ever before me, and
I walk continually in your truth.”
Psalm
139:23-24: “Search me, O
God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and
lead me in the way everlasting.”
And from Psalm
86: “Hear, O Lord,
and answer me, for I am poor and needy... Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call
to you all day long. Bring joy to your
servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call on
you. Hear my prayer, O Lord: listen to
my cry for mercy... Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my
heart; I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths
of the grave.”
Be sure not
only to let God know of your desire to be searched, but spend time listening to
Him. Jot down anything that God
reveals. This may not be easy or
pain-free, but it is crucial. And always
remember that He is there with you as you go through this, walking through the
pain with you.
If you find
yourself taking a deep breath right now, it may be because you know that you
are not going to like what you will find.
But the sooner you allow God to reveal it, the better. And the sooner He can heal it and help you
turn it around for His glory and His purposes.
Do not hide from His searchlight and His Truth. If you do so, you choose to live with
distance and to face discipline and possibly being turned over to the hardness
of your heart, which is far worse than being pruned and humbled.
Example Prayer (besides
the above verses):
Dear
Heavenly Father,
I
am tired of living a self-protective, polished, or self-degrading life. I am tired of running from my past or
shortcomings, and stuffing my pain and fears.
I want to live a life of freedom in You.
Help me to see all of the lies that I believe and all of the things in
my past that have damaged me and that have hurt my relationship with You and
with others. Give me the strength to
face them and the help that I need to replace them with Your love and Your
truth. Help me learn to pour out to You
what is really in my heart and mind.
Because I don’t want to keep any walls up between us. As I open up more of my heart and as I face
more of the deeply-embedded pain, be my comfort and heal my hurts. And remind me of Your unconditional love for
me. I desperately need that.
In
Jesus’ name, Amen
Questions for Reflection:
(This is a
big one. Take your time and go through
these as thoroughly as possible. Some of
these might seem redundant, but they will help you see things from slightly
different angles to get a more complete view.)
1.
Did anything in this section stand out to me? Why?
2.
How would I describe myself? How
do I think others see me?
3.
How would I describe my relationships with others?
4.
How do I typically interact with others?
In negative or positive ways?
5.
How do I think I got to be this way?
6.
How would I describe my earliest significant relationships?
7.
What are the patterns of relating (the relationship models) that I
observed/experienced as I grew up? How
did my family and my parents relate to each other?
8.
What did I learn from these? How
did they affect me?
9.
How would I describe my “inner self”?
(Maybe start with “Deep down, I am . . .” Be as thorough as possible, including as many
answers as necessary.) Does this
conflict at all with my answer to #2?
10.
How do I feel about my “inner self”?
(Maybe start with “When I think about the person that I really am, I . .
. “) And why do I feel this way?
11.
Am I honest with others? Do I let
them get to know the “real me”? Even my
closest friends? If not, why? What kinds of things do I keep hidden or am I
dishonest about?
12.
What typically happens when I am honest or when I act like myself? Has it ever back-fired? How has this affected me?
13.
Am I afraid to be honest with the Lord?
Why? What do I fear will
happen? And what am I typically “less
than truthful” about?
14.
Looking at the list above and considering other options, in what ways do
I avoid the truth about myself or hide from the Holy Spirit? Or what signs in my life might indicate that
I am avoiding the truth or hiding? What
am I trying to hide? What am I lying to
myself about or trying to convince myself of?
And why?
15.
How would I like to be, deep down and
on the outside? (Is this a fair and
reasonable goal? Or am I just putting
unfair or unreasonable expectations on myself and considering my “real self” to
be unacceptable?)
16.
In what ways have I tried to change before, to improve myself? What were the outcomes? How did it affect me?
17.
Is there anything else I can do to become the person I want to be? Or, if my expectations are unfair to myself, what
do I need to accept about myself and how can I learn to do that? And what reasonable expectations and goals
can I put in their place?
18.
To me, what does it mean to be “a good Christian”? In what ways is this view healthy and good,
and in what ways is it unhealthy and harmful?
19.
How does my attempt to be that “good Christian” affect/interfere with my
relationship with others and with the Lord?
How does it affect how I see myself?
Is there anything I should change about my attempts to be that “good
Christian”?
20.
What do I fear would happen if others or the Lord really knew “the real
me”? What do I think might happen if I
stopped wearing the “good Christian” mask and became a “real Christian”
instead?
21.
How would my life change if I were more honest with myself, others, and
the Lord? How would it change if I began
to let myself be me?
22.
Do I want those changes?
23.
Are there any “lies” or self-defeating beliefs that I have agreed with
or adopted along the way?
(These are usually the initial thoughts that we think when things go wrong or we’re afraid or mad at ourselves or feel anxiety. Things like, “I’m such a loser,” “This kind of stuff always happens to me,” “I don’t deserve . . .,” “God doesn’t care,” and other things like that. Spend some time thinking about what self-defeating thoughts commonly go through your head throughout the course of the day, or notice them when they do pop into your head and write them down.)
24.
How have these thoughts molded or affected my life? When did they start or what started them in
my past? How do I live and perpetuate
them, making them more “true” and strongly embedded?
25.
Have I ever quenched the Spirit along the way or refused to obey in
something? If so, what?
26.
What or who am I blaming for the problems in my life? How might I actually be responsible for the
messes in my life?
[In order to start living a life of honesty, we need to start being honest with ourselves about who is responsible for the current condition of our lives. This is especially important when we are living a life of bitterness, anger, unforgiveness, irresponsibility, or staleness and laziness. We usually have a myriad of people, events, or circumstances that we blame for “the way we are.” And, yes, a lot of this blame might be justified. But we are not going to get anywhere in life or in our relationship with God if we sit in the “victim seat” all day, pointing fingers at everyone else.
While we can’t change what has been done to us, we are responsible for whether or not we continue to carry it around and let it defeat us. And we are responsible for our reactions to the unfair things that have happened to us and our attitudes towards the people who have wronged us.
God knows what has happened to us. And He has the right to (and He will) avenge all wrongs, because any sin committed against anyone is ultimately a sin against Him. And He has promised to work all things out for good in our lives. But if we will not give the “right to avenge” over to God, we will continue to carry around self-defeating bitterness. We will continue to make a mess of our lives. And our spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical lives will suffer.
But once we become honest with ourselves and God – once we admit that we are responsible for the current condition of our lives, either by our deliberate actions and sins or by wallowing in the results of someone else’s or by refusing to hand it over to Him to let Him heal it and help us through it – we can find healing. And God will be free to create something beautiful with our lives, messes and all.]
27.
At this time, is there any wrong that I need to make right in my
relationships? Any consequence of my
dishonesty with myself, others, or the Lord?
Any bitterness that I am holding onto or person that I need to forgive?
28.
Is there anything that I need to confess or admit to God right now? Sins?
Fears? Doubts? Judgments that I’ve made about Him, about
others, or about myself that do not fit with the Bible, reality, or how He sees
things?
29.
Can I accept God’s free, unearable, and already-available forgiveness
and love? If not, what blocks me from
doing that? Can I give it to
others? Do I understand what forgiveness
is and what it isn’t? Do I know what
God’s love is and how it is different from human ideas of love? Do I truly understand what it means to
embrace God’s free grace and to extend it to others? Is there anyone I am failing to forgive? Do I understand that forgiveness is an act of
the will, that I can do it without feeling like it because it’s not based on my
emotions? Do I truly grasp the truth
that Jesus has already paid for all sins on the cross – all of my sins and all
the sins of those who wronged me? And so
I have no right to hold the offenses of others against them and I should not
live under guilt about my sins if I have confessed them to the Lord and sought
His forgiveness? (Pray and ask God to
help you understand what grace and forgiveness really are and what God’s love
is really like.)
30.
What have I learned about myself after working through these
questions? And what changes do I want to
make from here on out?
Bible Study:
1.
Find out what God says about honesty, sincerity, and truth in His
Word. Verses such as these:
Psalm 15:1-2, 40:11,
43:3, 51:6
Jeremiah 5:1-4
Proverbs 12:22
Hebrews 10:22
2 Corinthians 2:17
2.
If God has been giving you answers to the questions above, try to find
verses from the Bible to back up His message to you.
3.
Explore Bible verses on grace, forgiveness, and God’s love. (Google verses on these if your Bible doesn’t
have an index.)
(Click here for Piece Three: Learning to Listen and Be Still)
